203 - “Wild” Encounters And Storms River Mouth (Eastern/Western Cape, South Africa)
203 - “Wild” Encounters And Storms River Mouth (Eastern/Western Cape, South Africa)

I’d read you could frolic with cheetahs, tigers, lions, and even cage dive with crocs. I knew the potential for cheesiness was high, but I couldn’t resist the urge to touch those majestic furballs. So, when I read about Cango, I thought it might be worth a shot. They created a Cheetah Preservation Foundation in 1988 and seemed to have their shit together. Most of the big cats on hand were all rescues and unable to survive in the wild, though a select number of cheetahs were eligible for rehabilitation and release. I knew it was a glorified zoo, but still thought spending a few moments up close would make the setting tolerable. Wish in one hand, shit in the other… plop.

Though hesitant, we signed up for a guided tour of Cango

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Batch 35, South Africaby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacSouth Africa, Storms River Mouth, Otter Trail, Oudtshoorn, Cango Wildlife Ranch, Swartberg Pass
202 - Coffee Rhinos & Addo Elephant National Park (Southeast South Africa)
202 - Coffee Rhinos & Addo Elephant National Park (Southeast South Africa)

So annoyed by this was I (how dare you hog the lions), I turned down a road marked “No Entry” alongside the “camp.” I quickly realized the path wasn’t designed with a VW Polo (Safari Edition) in mind. Retreat! We discovered later the clearing forms part of a “hide” (i.e. a place where you can sit behind a wall and peek through special viewing slots designed for the purpose). There’s a waterhole in front to attract animals. I mistook the structure for a private camp. Oopsie-doopsie.

Imagine viewing a pride of lions when you spot a silver Volkswagen…

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Batch 34, South Africaby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacGraaf-Reinet, Camdeboo National Park, Addo Elephant National Park
201 - Drakensberg Shuffle (Drakensberg, South Africa)
201 - Drakensberg Shuffle (Drakensberg, South Africa)

We left the Sani Pass area and began our foray through the back roads of central Drakensberg. Although we had a map and some vague idea of where we were, it felt a like we’d entered East Jesus. Small villages and large swaths of farmland were all we encountered for hours—beautiful and unsettling at the same time. Perhaps beautiful because it was unsettling…

Driving a VW Polo along an empty dirt road (we did pass what appeared to be two other tourists in a small red car at one point) can leave one lingering on thoughts of a breakdown. Sure, Avis provides twenty-four-hour roadside assistance, but service is contingent on them finding you… duh. Can you hear me now…

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Batch 34, South Africaby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacT. LUCIA ESTUARY, South Africa, iSimangaliso Wetland Park, Drakensberg, Monks Cowl, Royal Natal National Park, Mahai, Gudu Falls), Tugela Falls
200 - A History Lesson… sort of (South Africa)
200 - A History Lesson… sort of (South Africa)

People started pouring in. Germans, Scandinavians, and Frenchies all found reasons to explore. Prospective farmers came to farm and supply the Dutch East India Company. Operations expanded, leading to an inevitable labor shortage. They needed cheap labor and they found it… but not where you’d think. The vast number of slaves that flooded the Cape Colony didn’t come from South Africa or even Africa. Most were imported from Indonesia, Madagascar, Sri Lanka, and other areas far away.

Racial co-mingling ensued. The Europeans humped other Europeans. They also humped the slaves. The diverse slave population humped each other. And everybody humped the local Khoekhoe tribes…

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Batch 34, South Africaby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacSouth Africa, Afrikaans
199 - Two, If By Polo Vivo (Johannesburg to Kosi Bay, South Africa)
199 - Two, If By Polo Vivo (Johannesburg to Kosi Bay, South Africa)

We decided to find another place to hang our hat and soon moved to a backpacker-oriented hostel named Gemini. Let's just say it was less than impressive. I understand it was the slow season and standards may slip a bit, but this place was unpleasant. I’ll use the word “shithole.” Our room was dark, depressing, and full of insect life. The communal kitchen felt neglected, and the rest of the facilities adhered to a similar decorum. After spotting a rat in the kitchen while cooking dinner, we chose to vacate the following day. Don't get me wrong, I love rats, just not in the kitchen. 

While being driven from one guesthouse to the next...

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Batch 34, South Africaby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacJOHANNESBURG, Kosi Bay, Utshwayelo Campsite
198 - South Africa Timeline
198 - South Africa Timeline

1795 - British forces seize Cape Colony from the Netherlands. Territory is returned to the Dutch in 1803; ceded to the British in 1806.

1816-1826 - Shaka Zulu founds and expands the Zulu empire, creates a formidable fighting force.

1835-1840 - Boers leave Cape Colony in the 'Great Trek' and found the Orange Free State and the Transvaal.

1852 - British grant limited self-government to the Transvaal.

1856 - Natal separates from the Cape Colony.

Late 1850s - Boers proclaim the Transvaal a republic…

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South Africa, Batch 34by Mr. Nos T. O'maniacSouth Africa
197 - Escape From Bamako (Mali, West Africa)
197 - Escape From Bamako (Mali, West Africa)

Now all we had to do was get the hell out of Mali. Easier said than done, grasshopper. We considered exploring other parts of West Africa but faced roadblocks. In Guinea, political and ethnic violence marred elections, resulting in closed borders. By the time we were ready to leave, it was possible to fly in, but we weren’t sure if the land borders would be passable, which might preclude us from crossing into adjacent countries. With Guinea as an impediment to onward travel, Senegal, Sierra Leone, and Liberia were out. Fiddlesticks.

We'd just come from Mauritania. Niger had Al Qaeda issues and isn’t such an easy place to breeze around in. How about Cote d’Ivoire, you say?…

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Batch 34, Maliby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacMali, Bamako
196 - Dogon Country - (Mali, West Africa)
196 - Dogon Country - (Mali, West Africa)

We landed in Yaba-Talu on Christmas Eve. We’d gained elevation and were skirting the edge of the escarpment overlooking the vast plain extending into Burkina Faso. I went for a stroll to the cliff’s edge to have a look. I’d hoped there might be a place to camp nearby, but it turned out to be less than ideal. On the way, I walked through a burial site. I only found this out later when Leslie walked into the area and was enlightened by young girls pantomiming the “cutthroat” motion to indicate the site's significance. That's what I get for exploring solo. Dummy.

The next morning, the small village was awash with activity. It was Christmas day…

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Batch 33, Maliby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacMali, Dogon Country, Tellum, Bandiagara Escarpment
195 - Speed Boat to Grumpyville (Mopti, Mali)
195 - Speed Boat to Grumpyville (Mopti, Mali)

When we disembarked in Mopti, neither of us was in the mood for the fusillade of touts (Taxi? Pinnace? Dogon? Hotel?) that began their assault the moment our feet touched the ground. I felt like tearing out a gob of hair and screaming. Leslie, a mild-mannered female, appeared as if she might start swinging. We managed to negotiate the onslaught and make our way to a hotel with the help of a local guide… that gave us his card… and offered to guide us to Dogon. (Days later, when I ran into this gentleman again, he demanded I return his card.) After getting a room, I loitered in the lobby area talking with another Malian gentleman… that gave me his card… and offered to guide me to Dogon….

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Batch 33, Maliby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacMopti, Mali, Niger River
194 - Juju Man (Djenne, Mali)
194 - Juju Man (Djenne, Mali)

Leslie and I sat back, drank tea, and watched two men craft ours. All you need is goat leather and a verse from the Koran, at least in that village. Sori told me much care goes into choosing the verse… unless you’re a tourist. Then, I guess, any old verse will do… or a blank piece of paper, a hex, a knock-knock joke, a recipe for dolma, or a naughty poem for that matter. What was in ours? Who the hells knows? One mustn't forget the Juju Golden Rule: Juju onto others as wish them to juju onto you. 

The paper is folded and encased in leather (rectangular), covered with a curing concoction, and fastened to the end of a strap, then tied to a belt or the like and worn underneath the clothes near the waist. We “consecrated” our juju by joining hands while the craftsman uttered phrases in Fulani.…

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Batch 33, Maliby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacDjenne, Juju, Bozo, Voodoo
193 - Peter Pan & The Mud Brick Mosque (Djenne, Mali)
193 - Peter Pan & The Mud Brick Mosque (Djenne, Mali)

Djenne is dominated by the central square containing the Great Mosque of Djenne, composed almost entirely of mud bricks and wooden spars. The mosque is the largest adobe building in the world. The current structure dates from 1907. It’s a wonder to behold, although “supremely elegant” might be pushing it. When I hear “supremely elegant,” I think of a high-priced hooker, not a sacred UNESCO site. “Elegance” comes at a price. Mud brick isn’t known for longevity, so every year after the rains, the mosque must be repaired. People from the surrounding area come together to assist with improvements. The wooden spars you see jutting from the structure not only provide support but also aid in reconstruction efforts, serving as a scaffolding. Mosque repair has taken on a pilgrimage quality…

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Batch 33, Maliby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacPeter Pan, Djenne, Great Mosque of Djenne
192 - Segou, Say Me; Say It Together... Naturally (Segou, Mali)
192 - Segou, Say Me; Say It Together... Naturally (Segou, Mali)

On the way back to Segou, we spent time at a couple of Bozo fishing villages. And no, these are not carnival enclaves filled with fishing clowns (although the temptation to utter things like “Hey, look at those Bozos” or “What's that Bozo doing” was overwhelming). The first was a market village where folks gather once a week to sell their catch across the river in Segou. The second was an actual fishing village where we saw nets being hand-made and piles of fish traps ready to be deployed along the coast. Our guide showed us his modest home and introduced us to a nearby family that graciously offered us tea.

While strolling through the village, we soon attracted an entourage of small children, some of which clasped our hands and shadowed us for the duration...

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Batch 33, Maliby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacSegou, Mali, Kalabougou, Bambara, Bozo, Fulani
191 - Sand Diggers, Fetish Extravaganza, and Bamako 911 (Bamako, Mali)
191 - Sand Diggers, Fetish Extravaganza, and Bamako 911 (Bamako, Mali)

Mali isn’t cheap. As one might expect, there are two economies: local and tourist. Accommodation? Overpriced. Food? Overpriced. Cultural tour? Overpriced. Everything related to tourists? Overpriced. If you’re an affluent French tourist with limited world travel experience on a package vacation, you might disagree. Many seemed to be enjoying their time. 

Our first outing brought us thirty kilometers downstream from Bamako on the Niger River, a quirky side trip that proved to be fascinating. When our guide (Ibrahim) described it, I had no idea what we were in for. His accent was difficult to decipher. We were going on an afternoon boat trip to see some people engage in some activity somewhere. Sign me up…

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Batch 33, Maliby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacMali, Bamako, Sand Diggers, Fetish Market
190 - Mali Timeline
190 - Mali Timeline

11th century - Empire of Mali becomes dominant force in the upper Niger basin, its period of greatness beginning under King Sundiata in 1235 and peaking under Mansa Musa who ruled between 1312 and 1337 and extended empire to the Atlantic.

14th-15th centuries - Decline of the Empire of Mali, which loses dominance of the gold trade to the Songhai Empire, which makes its base in Timbuktu - historically important as a focal point of Islamic culture and a trading post on the trans-Saharan caravan route.

Late 16th century - Moroccans defeat the Songhai, make Timbuktu their capital and rule until their decline in the 18th century.

19th century - French colonial advance, and Islamic religious wars which lead to creation of theocratic states….

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Mali, Batch 32by Mr. Nos T. O'maniacMali
189 - The Bag of Life (Nouakchott to Bamako)
189 - The Bag of Life (Nouakchott to Bamako)

Although the journey took forty hours, we spent eleven sitting at the border of Mauritania and Mali with our thumbs securely up our asses. We arrived around 1 a.m. groggy and bleary-eyed. Before I knew what the hell was happening, I'd handed someone my passport and was shuffled off into darkness. After I regained my senses, I realized we were standing on the Mauritanian side with nary a clue. Two minutes after kicking us out, the doors closed and the lights went out. Allow passengers to sleep on the bus? Are you mental? Let them sleep in the filth, I say!

Outside, I found a long line of voyagers sleeping on the ground. This included my group and another from Mali that had been waiting since 4:00 p.m. Misery loves company. We had a lot of company.

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Batch 32, Mauritaniaby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacMauritania
188 - Lolly Gagging & Large Women (Nouakchott, Mauritania)
188 - Lolly Gagging & Large Women (Nouakchott, Mauritania)

Off to the appropriate office (Surete) to get an extension. Our visa expired on the 30th. We went on the 21st. We asked for two weeks. We paid $17 US. Upon receiving our passports, we discovered our extension began on the 21st, not the 30th. Muchas gracias. So, we paid $17 for an extra five days. In the immortal words of Homer Simpson, "Doh!” 

We returned the next morning and, after explaining our situation, were met with a smile and a quick fix. Mr. Visa Man drew a “1” through the “0” to turn “Dec. 05” into “Dec. 15.” Et viola! Doesn't get any more official than that…

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Batch 32, Mauritaniaby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacMauritania, Nouakchott
187 - Kerfuffle In The Void (Ouadane, Mauritania)
187 - Kerfuffle In The Void (Ouadane, Mauritania)

We had the brilliant idea to capture our exercise in futility (i.e. negotiations) on video… without telling Ahmed. We wanted him relaxed and natural, not tense and artificial. Why would we commit such a colossally stupid and insensitive act? I can assure you there was no malicious intent. We figured trying to capture the essence of our constant skirmishes would be a unique souvenir and something we’d cherish viewing for years to come. 

He caught on and was extremely displeased. For twenty minutes, he went off, using the word “espionage” with a demeanor more appropriate for a spy film. He was angry. We understood. We apologized repeatedly. He kept firing away, highlighting a lack of respect. He had a point. No one could argue….

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Batch 32, Mauritaniaby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacOuadane, Richat Structure, Guelb er Richat, rock hyrax
186 - Terjit-Chinguetti-Tanouchert (Adrar Region, Mauritania)
186 - Terjit-Chinguetti-Tanouchert (Adrar Region, Mauritania)

Ahmed resisted. First, he said something about insurance, claiming if something happened to Joris, he’ d be liable. Um, ‘kay. Liable to who? Was he not already liable for us? What if he’d been with us from the start? What’s the difference? I mustered all my powers of empathy to see his point of view. He wasn’t helping.

He mentioned phoning his sister in Nouakchott and asking her to speak with somebody for some reason to accomplish something. (She was chummy with someone important.) Then he highlighted a tax that had to be paid. As I tried to…

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Batch 32, Mauritaniaby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacTerjit, Chinguetti, Tanouchert, Adrar Region
185 - The Road to Terjit (Adrar Region, Mauritania)
185 - The Road to Terjit (Adrar Region, Mauritania)

In Atar, we settled at Bab Sahara, a quaint auberge catering to overland traffic. Ahmed was beginning to grind on us. His prevarications, equivocations, and bullshitations became less and less amusing. A cold, harsh reality set in—Leslie would not be his bride (insert link). This, we suspect, was his primary motivation for agreeing to guide us. Now that this was off the table, he couldn’t bother to give a shit. The world had become that much bleaker.

I did the only thing I could—I ordered Leslie to give him a little sugar, put some extra sass in her step, string him along just enough to feed his motivation… um, no. If he thought he had a shot, he might have strangled me in my sleep.,.,.

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Mauritania, Batch 32by Mr. Nos T. O'maniacBen Amera, Choum, Atar, Bab Sahara, Terjit
184 - Love & Al Qaeda (Ben Amera, Mauritania)
184 - Love & Al Qaeda (Ben Amera, Mauritania)

After a circuit of Aisha, we paused in the shade beneath an outcrop protrusion for the all-important tea interval. It was then Ahmed laid out his future business plan and intent to open an auberge (inn) in Nouadhibou. He needed someone to run it. Thus began a not-so-subtle pitch directed at a certain redhead in our party. This was the second time he lobbed hints at Leslie. And, just like the first, his spiel began while I was out of earshot (taking pictures on this occasion). When I entered the conversation, it didn’t occur to me only one of us was qualified for the position (i.e. possessed birthing hips and a comely appearance.) I briefly entertained the idea of working for Ahmed and engaging in a…

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Batch 31, Mauritaniaby Mr. Nos T. O'maniacBen Amera, Mauritania, Al Qaeda