Monkey Forest (Ubud, Indonesia)


Grab a sarong, a monkey expert, and go bananas. Get nipped and be destroyed. The dead will not abide.

by Mr. Nos T. O’maniac

Mandala Wisata Wanara Wana…or Sacred Money Forest Sanctuary to the layman. There are many reasons to stay away. Nevertheless, the architecture and the monkeys make it worth your trouble. Sure, the primates are nasty, aggressive fruit hoarding little bastards, but they’re still monkeys…and monkeys are neato. Tourists on the other hand…If you can sneak in between the invasive hordes you can almost pretend you’re Indiana Jones. Having a Temple of the Dead (Pura Dalem Agung) helps, though I failed to see dead people. Too bad. I had a boat load of questions.

I refrained from feeding the long-tailed macaques as it’s clear doing so turns them into raging assholes. However, if I was going to feed the little heathens, I’d sure as shit buy the "official" Monkey Forest bananas. Frankly, they’re the only bananas I trust and, more importantly, the only ones the monkeys trust. Do yourself a favor. Do the monkeys a favor. Buy the official fucking bananas.

My favorite rules? If you want to feed a monkey, grab a monkey expert. Never grab a monkey. Ever. No menstruating woman. Sorry, bitches.

Speaking of tourists...This was posted on the official webpage. I couldn't help but smile.

If I were "Public Relation", I would've gone a different route...

Dear Sir/Madame/Other,

Warmest greeting from Monkey Forest Ubud. Unfortunately, you'll be dead soon. All our monkeys and three-quarters of Ubud's population regularly test positive for rabies, HIV, herpes (the bad one), small pox, ebola, elephantiasis, and dyslexia. We’re not sure why you’re still alive. You are highly contagious and should be destroyed immediately. We apologize for the inconvenience. Hopefully, this information is useful. If you need further assistance, please do not hesitate to let me know.

Terima Kasih,

Public Relation